Berkeley political correctness means we’d get ‘Person-hattan’

You’ve probably heard that the city of Berkeley, Calif., is banning the use of the word “manhole” because it isn’t gender-neutral — meaning it has that deplorable word “man” in it.

Instead, the city — where, in case you’re interested, I once had the pleasure of seeing a young woman walking on the street with a live rat adorning her shoulder — wants to use the phrase “maintenance hole” to describe that thing people go butt-first into to fix stuff underground.

The city probably could have come up with a better gender-neutral phrase except that “ass hole” — for the butt-first maneuver, you see — was already in use in a much different context.

Why am I bringing this up in a column about money and the economy and such? Because I think it’s about time. Those three letters in order — M-A-N — should be barred from the English language, or at least the American version of it, except when someone is actually pointing to a guy who has done something wrong.

“That man over there robbed the bank,” for instance, would be okay.

I’m also bringing it up because the abolition of those three letters could have widespread implications on how we report the economy and business in the years ahead. And I’m going to fix these problems right now before I have an urge to get off my chair and do some manly thing I might regret.

Berkeley already fixed the word “manpower” — which is often used in discussions of the economy. The city’s code now says “human effort” or “workforce” will replace “manpower.”

Pretty awkward, I think. “Manpower” does not mean “workforce” in any economic sense. Like “it took a lot of workforce (manpower) to get the job done” just isn’t right.

Instead of “man-power”, why not use the word Leslie — a name that can be either male or female? So, to use it in a sentence: “Lesliepower issues have been resolved as the city hired more workers” — of both sexes, of course.

It might take a while, but “Lesliepower” will eventually catch on.

Now we have to fix the phrase “man hours” — which is often used with respect to the employment situation. “The number of man hours worked last week rose …”

No good. Let’s go gender-neutral: “The number of hours worked last month by all people of all genders and all ages rose …” That’s a lot longer, but we’ve gotten rid of the dreaded — I’m almost embarrassed to utter it — word “man.”

Firemen are easy. They become firefighters. But what do you do with policemen if you don’t like the word “cops? Do they become “crime fighters?” Do they get to wear capes?

And how about the word “man-ufacturing”? Women make things, too. And they do it in factories. Let’s just call it “ufactoring, as in, “ufactoring orders rose last month for the first time.”

Berkeley will probably let men keep the word “manhandle” because it’s something bad.

Same with “manslaughter” for the same reason, although that word doesn’t quite make sense because it’s usually the man doing the slaughtering and women being slaughtered. So should it be “womanslaughter”?

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Berkeley, California eliminates term manhole in push to remove gendered language

Oh, sibling! The famously liberal city of Berkeley, Calif., is…

Oh, we’ll figure that one out later.

So we’ll just call it what it is — “murder.” And to indicate that it really wasn’t as serious as real murder, we’ll call manslaughter a “little murder.” Like a venial sin that Catholics wash away with the Hail Marys after confession.

Man-ager — that’s got to go because women are bosses, too. Sometimes even bossier than men.

Doorman? Barry Man-ilow? Man-euver? Fore-man? Outa’ here.

From now these will each be described by what they are: the person who opens a door; that singer with nasal congestion; the thing you do to get into a parking space and the guy who yells “fore” when a ball goes astray on the golf course.

“Dude ranch,” of course, will also have to go.

But man-ipulate could probably stay, as long as the term is used pejoratively and not, say, chiropractically.

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The term “bro” — a recent addition to the sexist lexicon that is often used to address women as well as men but is seriously gender-specific — should be outlawed. “Bro” should only be used when addressing your actual brother and, in that case, either gender can use it — although I wish they wouldn’t.

But I think women will have to give up a couple of phrases of their own that aren’t gender-neutral. Why does Lady Luck always have to be female? Guys can bring luck, too.

And forget about the phrase “girl talk.” If the ladies want to chat, include me in the conversation. I like to gossip as much as anyone.

Hopefully, you got my man-y points.